


Repulsion

by LuckythePizzaDog



Series: Trans!Peter [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bottom Dysphoria, Dissociation, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Trans!Peter Parker, Why do I do this, back at it again with, my poor son peter is going through So Much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-05 03:05:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11568996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuckythePizzaDog/pseuds/LuckythePizzaDog
Summary: suggested by @JuneIsAMonth19'Itd be great if you were to write about pete having bottom dysphoria in a way that makes him extremely uncomfortable and sex repulsed. (& maybe have him struggle to voice his disinterest in having sex with wade)'TW for intense self hatred and talk about sex!!





	Repulsion

**Author's Note:**

> im living for making these titles only one word that basically describe the entire fic lol
> 
> gdi i kept spelling peter as petter this whole fic and i hope i found each time i did that lmao. this idea was suggested by @JuneIsAMonth19!
> 
> 'Itd be great if you were to write about pete having bottom dysphoria in a way that makes him extremely uncomfortable and sex repulsed. (& maybe have him struggle to voice his disinterest in having sex with wade)' (ik thats in the summary but just a refresher)
> 
> i really enjoyed writing this fic, and i hope its what you were looking for!! happy reading!
> 
> ~leo

Peter sat on the couch, happily watching a movie with Wade as they both munched on chips. Wade had been acting weird and very affectionate lately, but Peter tried to pass it off as something normal. However, that night when the movie finished and the two were cuddling in bed afterwards, Peter realized why Wade was acting that way.

"Hey, babe. I've been thinking lately, and I think we should-" Wade started, rubbing his thumb across Peter's cheek gently. Peter shot him a disgusted look and pulled away.

"Don't even finish that sentence," Peter immediatley felt very uncomfortable and pulled a pillow over his legs. Wade looked at him with a hurt expression.

"Did I say something wrong, or?" Wade asked, but Peter just stared at him with the same disgusted look. He then stood up from the bed, walked out of the room, and made his way to the bathroom as fast as possible. Peter locked the door behind him and slumped to the ground, suddenly feeling gross and not wanting to leave the bathroom at all now. His lower regions were radiating heat and he swallowed hard, doing his best to ignore it and not accidently dive into a dysphoria-induced panic attack. He then stood up and paced back and forth, concentrating on wen he should do his next Spiderman patrol, he hasn't done one in a while since-

"Petey? Baby boy, you alright?" Peter heard Wade ask. Peter backed up to the farthest wall but tripped on a rug and fell to the ground. He felt his breathing speed up and his hands started to shake. Wade knocked on the door and repeated the question, adding a 'did i do something wrong?' to the end. Peter dug his nails into his palms to try and ground himself.

"I-I'm fine! Be out in a bit!" Peter yelled, voice shaking ever so slightly. He felt dizzy, really dizzy and gross. Wade responded with a quiet 'alright' and as his footsteps receded, Peter shrunk fully to the ground, curling up tightly in a ball. He felt like he was floating - and not in the good wow-im-so-in-love kind of way. He felt like he was floating in the dissociation-is-a-bitch and a i-hate-my-body type of way. Peter continued to dig his nails in various spots of his body, a really bad habit he had made for himself when he started to panic or dissociate. He dug his nails in his legs and his arms and hips and stomach and chest, everywhere where he didn't have to reach under clothing to touch. Peter started to feel himself cry and he viciously rubbed at his eyes. No, no. he couldn't cry, because if he did then when he went back to Wade, Wade would question Peter and Peter sucks at explaining things and especially things like this.

Speaking of 'things like this', Peter realized how badly he hated sex due to his dysphoria. He never realized it until this moment, when he looked back on all the times Wade made sexual jokes and comments, that Peter just nervously chuckled at and tried to respond how he thought people responded to things like that. But now, when Wade was trying to actually engage in the act, Peter hated it with all of his guts. He wanted to claw at himself and make himself look purposefully unattractive in those areas so no one would want to do anything with him. He wanted to purposefully mutilate himself so he wouldnt be able to do anything ever. He wanted to purposefully contract some sexual disease just so he had a better excuse for not wanting to have sex than 'i feel really shitty about my downstairs department so id rather not'. It would make times like these a lot easier.

Eventually, Peter convinced himself to stand up. On shaky legs, Peter walked to the door and looked in the full length mirror on the back of it. He looked down his entire, half naked body, making himself feel even more dysphoric about his bottom area. He covered it with his hands - he only hovered his hands over that area, never in a million years would he touch it without the intention of cleaning. He stared himself in his own two watery eyes, and convinced himself to go back in the room and tell Wade he didn't want to have sex, and tell him exactly why that his. Peter psyched himself up and walked out of the bathroom in all of his half-disscociating glory, before entering the room, and thinking 'Maybe I should just go with it. Maybe I should do it to make Wade happy, even if I'll wanna die afterwards'. 

Peter sat on the bed cross-legged, pulling a pillow back over his lap. He could feel himself starting to panic as Wade sat up from a laying position and moved closer to Peter.

"Are you okay? What happened?" Wade asked, placing a hand on Peter's shoulder. 

"Oh, it's nothing, babe. I just had to pee really, really badly," Peter laughed softly, hoping he was masking his panic well. Wade looked at him, unconvinced, but passed it off. Peter sighed loudly on the inside.

"Okay, good. I was seriously worried for a little bit there. Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to have-"

"No!" Peter blurted, then covered his mouth with a hand and looked to the side, his face flushing a bright red.

"I-I mean, yes, of course, why wouldn't I, I've wanted to since-"

"Pete."

"No, I'm being totally serious I was thinking about something else, I'm sorry," Peter attempted to brush off his disgust with and disintrest in sex. But really, he knew Wade wasn't buying it.

"Peter. It's okay if you don't wanna have sex with me. I'm totally fine with it, it was just something that I had thought of," Wade sighed, Peter knew his boyfriend was dissapointed in him, he wasn't one to brush things like this to the side. Wade must've known Peter was thinking this and spoke up.

"I'm not upset, baby. Just curious why not, is all," Wade reassured. Peter seriously considered Wade being psyhic in that very moment, but that was a thought for another time.

"It's just, I.. I.. um.. I-I'ts kinda weird-" Peter scratched the back of his neck, hunching over and trying to think of an excuse.

"When it comes to us, everything is weird," Wade chuckled, and Peter nodded a silent agreement. Should he tell the truth, keep Wade guessing, or make up a total lie? Peter bit his lip as he delved into thought, trying not to make himself freak out at the possibilities that branched from each of the options.

"It's um, It's something to do with-" Peter started, only for Wade to interrupt, which somehow made it easier.

"Is it something to do with your trans-ness?" Peter nodded. 

"Can you tell me what it is exactly?" Peter shrugged. It was his own non-verbal way of saying 'Well I know what it is but I'm struggling to tell you.' Wade sighed and situated himself so he was also sitting cross-legged.

"I'll wait, or if you don't want to tell me you dont have to. It's just that if it's something I should know for the future or if it's a temporary thing-"

"Bottom dysphoria."

"Bottom what?" Peter sighed. He knew his boyfriend was the most accepting and supportive person he knew, but introducing new concepts to him took a while.

"Bottom dysphoria. To sum it up, it's like how I feel gross about my chest, but with my.... you know...," Peter waved a vague hand around his legs. Wade stared for a second before getting it.

"Oh shit, Pete! I never knew! I mean, I knew you were kinda weird about what type of pants your wore- like to each his own, but is that why?" Peter nodded. Wade slapped his hands to his face and groaned.

"God, I feel like and idiot! And do you not like that stuff in general, like when I talk about it or just doing the act?" 

"Um, in general," Peter mumbled, growing uncomfortable with talking about it. Wade groaned even louder.

"I'm an even bigger douchebag than I thought I was! Babe, why didn't you tell me before? If you would have I would've stopped with the jokes!" Peter knew his boyfriend was speaking from a good nature and was just curious, but Peter was kinda done with the topic.

"Can we stop talking about it now? If it gets accidently brought up in the future that's fine but right now I'm kinda drained," Wade nodded, which made Peter glad. 

"Soo, are we just gonna cuddle until we sleep now or do you wanna be left alone?" Wade asked.

"We can cuddle until we fall asleep," Peter replied with a light smile. Wade whispered a 'good' and the two laid down under the covers, pulling each other close.

"Don't ever be afraid to tell me things in the future, got it? I care about you." Wade whispered quietly once they settled down.

"Got it." Peter whispered back, kissing Wade gently on the lips and then snuggling close.

"Love you, Wade."

"Love ya too, Peter."

**Author's Note:**

> hey! im still looking for more suggestions as ive been whipping these fics out at the speed of light. any and all suggestions will be appreciated! thank you for reading!!
> 
> ~leo


End file.
